![]() ![]() I once thought I was just shy, but now realize this behavior was developed over time so that I would not have to risk being vulnerable. I know that when I go into a room I will wait for others to say hello to me. Depending on where we are in our growth, we can then can use the relationship to do our personal work: to recognize our wounds and control dramas to work with our partner to heal ourselves and, to move toward becoming more spiritual and finding higher meaning in our lives.Ĭhuck: Marilyn and I are both aloof. Instead, we choose to trust ourselves, our partner, and the relationship. It is not necessary to change our partner’s behavior or to protect our beliefs. In a conscious relationship there is no need or desire to control. The opposite of needing to control a relationship is trusting in it. We were so caught up with fighting each other’s control dramas and proving ourselves to be right that there was no room for experiencing the joy of relationship, let alone catching a glimpse of the mystical. Instead, we continued to re-wound one another. ![]() I, on the other hand, needed help healing the wound that caused me to withdraw and act secretive, a wound that originated with a critical mother. He needed to learn a new, more appropriate way to get attention. In the case of my relationship with my former husband, he needed help healing the wound that triggered his interrogation drama. The reason this happens is because as our relationships deepen, our partner unconsciously touches those parts of us which need to be healed. They, in turn, trigger our wounds and we each continue to play out old patterns. We trigger our partner’s wounds and unknowingly re-wound them. This re-wounding pattern is what happens over and over again in relationship. What I didn’t recognize then are the wounds my detachment reopened for him, having grown up with a father that travelled extensively for his job a father whose attention he wanted, but had to share with three other siblings an aloof father. I would refrain from telling him what was happening in my life and when I had to talk to him, I would be as vague as possible. In case I need to name it for anyone, I am aloof.Īfter many years of being interrogated, I learned to protect myself by ignoring my ex as much as possible, remaining busy with children, work, school, or friends. It was then that my control drama became clear. During each interrogation I would ask myself: “Why do you bother trying to talk to him? you know what the end result is going to be.” Eventually I quit trying. ![]() Seeing the sandwich on the receipt, my ex blew a gasket: “How dare you waste my money on a store-bought sandwich? You could have made one when you got home!” (This man earned a handsome salary $3.00 was definitely not a hardship.) I often felt like I was on trial. I once bought a deli sandwich to split with my son. He could question me at length about anything, even something as simple as grocery shopping: “How could it take you so long to shop for food? How much did you spend this week? How could you be so extravagant? Were all those purchases really necessary? Did we need two kinds of lettuce AND tomatoes? etc. Sometimes I wondered what kind of perverse pleasure he got out of finding me so inadequate. I’m convinced that James Redfield coined the term after meeting him! A critical man, my ex continually poked and prodded and found fault in everything I said or did. For example, my former husband was a classic interrogator. It is usually easy to pick out our partner’s drama, but rarely do we recognize how we play into it. Marilyn: Control dramas are a fascinating phenomena within a relationship. How does this play out in a relationship? What we are attempting to do is protect our beliefs. Then, believing we are right and they are wrong, we think that we have the right to impose our beliefs on them. When people do things we don’t like, or when we’re not getting our way, we think they are wrong. We attempt to control and manipulate others because we believe that if they would change their behavior we would be happy and so would they. What is this need we have to control? Why do we feel it is necessary? All are attempts to control another’s behavior. The above description from James Redfield’s book,The Celestine Prophecy, defines four ways that people are in relationship with one another. And poor me’s make us feel guilty and responsible for them. Aloof people attract attention (and energy) to themselves by acting reserved or withdrawing. Interrogators steal it by judging and questioning. All humans, because of their upbringing, tend toward one of the four “control dramas”: intimidators steal energy from others by threat. The sixth insight states that childhood dramas block our ability to fully experience the mystical. The Celestine Prophecy’s 4 Control Dramas
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